In my sobriety I have been able to see things in a different view, I look at others who struggle with addiction and my heart breaks. I know all too well what it feels like to be on the other side. I hurt not only for the addict, but their loved ones too. Addiction doesn't affect just the person with the problem, but their loved ones too. I know all too well what it feels like to live with an addiction, but growing up I also learned what it was like loving someone with an addiction. Of course as a kid I didn't completely get how addiction affects the whole family but I sure knew some of it. I spent many nights worried about my dad and uncles. My step dad summed it up for me when he told me my mom sat up many nights crying wondering if that night may be the night she gets a call that I was hurt badly or even worse found dead. Hearing those words hit really hard for me, and changed me forever.
I feel so blessed that God saved me and gave me the strength I needed to let go of the things that were no good for me. Don't get me wrong, I know it's not just me. but anyone that turns to Him, can be delivered from the things that are not good for us, I also know not everyone can hold on while He does His work. Some give up in the midst of the storm, I get that too, because I have been that person too. Even though I am sober, it is still a choice I make daily, to stay sober, thank goodness its an easy choice for me to make now, it hasn't always been that way.
This past weekend I went to my nephews 16th birthday party, it was the first birthday party I have ever been invited to. I was so excited, yet very nervous because my brother's ex wife who is also my nephews mom has not spoken to me in years except for at my oldest son's wedding in May. She was nice to me at the wedding, but we also didn't really have much conversation except for about photos (she was also the photographer.) Besides that the last conversation we had years ago was not a very nice one. I was caught up in my drug addiction and she let me know how horrible of a mother, sister, daughter and aunt I was. How selfish I was in the decisions I was making. Yes, she had every right to her feelings and I feel she also had every right to voice her opinion because she was right in her words and she was only letting me know how what I was doing wasn't just affecting me but everyone in my family. While I understand where she was coming from, I also just needed support to get better, not just to be stomped in the ground. Telling me over and over again what a horrible person I was did not help me in the quitting process.
She wasn't at the birthday party very long, and she hugged me before she left and told me how good I looked and that she was proud of me and happy for everyone in my family that they have me back now. She told me what a great grandma I am to the kids, she has no idea how much her words meant to me. When I got home that night I sat down and sent her a message telling her how much what she said meant to me. She actually told me that she has become and alcoholic since divorcing my brother, and how sorry she was that she ever treated me so badly instead of giving me the support I desperately needed to get myself better. I told her I forgive her for that, and that I am here any way I can be to support her in getting better. Whatever I can do, and that it wouldn't go any further than between us. Needless to say, we had great conversation that night, and I feel like I was able to make amends with someone that I never thought would happen.
