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  • Writer's picturemia jett

A Coat of Many Colors

Updated: Aug 4, 2023

When I think of my mental health in particular I often think of it as my coat of many colors. I have numerous diagnosis some overlap others in symptoms and some are completely different from one another. It sometimes seems as if you can never find anything that helps everything. You have to settle for working on the things that are most debilitating. I think that has somewhat something to do with where my drug addiction came in. I was at a very low point in my life battling severe depression and not really wanting to get out of bed and do much of anything. I was only doing the bare minimum to survive. I was not being a good mother, I was just in this very deep dark place inside. I was hanging out with people who were using methamphetamines but I had never tried it and for a long time wasn't interested in trying it. I don't recall what changed my mind, but something did, and I tried it for the first time. The first time was all it took, I could stay up 24 hours and be the supermom that could do everything. Before I could even see what was happening it started doing the complete opposite, I slowly started neglecting my kids, I didn't see it then of course and I didn't even see it clearly until way down my road of sobriety. It makes me sick to my stomach when I think about my kids and the awful things they endured because of a very bad choice I made.


I believe many people think if someone is on medication and being treated for their mental health that they have this magic pill that just makes it all go away. That is the farthest from the truth, the things I am personally diagnosed with such as my bipolar and schizoaffective disorder have crazy ups and downs and while my medication may help it to not be so extreme on the ups and downs, it doesn't take them away therefore it's still a daily struggle. Medications they usually give for mental health have a chance they could make you sleepy so you either sleep all the time because of your medication or you sleep simply because your just down. Or you are so overwhelmed by a number of things your body just shut down. Your thoughts are so jumbled I start to feel as if I am not even in my own body, almost like I am looking at myself from the outside in.


Even when I am very self aware and feel out of sorts, I often have to just stay to myself because I know I am either going to take everything personal, or I may lash out on someone for something they have no control over. Even being self aware I sometimes cannot put a halt to the things in my head that day. I have really high ups and some very low downs. At times I cannot go out into the world because I am such an empath that it becomes too much for me to handle all of the emotions that I feed into with other people. Often I end up realizing that I am bothered by situations people are in more than it even bothers them.


I am working on boundaries with my therapist right now. Healthy boundaries is something I have never created for myself. I have often thought of having boundaries would make me a very selfish person, but I am learning that part of loving yourself is putting healthy boundaries in place. I am learning to walk away from things that stir up my inner peace.



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