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  • Writer's picturemia jett

Dazed and Confused

Updated: Aug 4, 2023

These past few weeks have definitely been hard ones. I had been out of some of my mental health meds since leaving the hospital after surgery. I wasn't able to get a refill due to me missing an appointment with my medication provider, sometimes I am not very good at keeping my appointments, usually because I am just not having a very easy time and can't make myself get out of the rv. Nevermind the fact that I don't understand how you see a therapist and that is who you are telling what is happening with you as far as what you are feeling and what you are struggling with, yet you see someone completely different to get meds prescribed to you. Someone that you go in for 15 minutes and talk to briefly and they decide what meds to put you on. Never really made sense to me.

I also had a good friend lose her mom this past week, and I am always very emotional when it comes to death. It always brings back a lot of memories for me. I have stood next to three of my grandparents when they took their last breaths, my dad, and my cousin the same thing. So when someone close to me is dealing with a death it brings so many feelings out in me. Sometimes it even brings out those feelings I felt so long ago with my loved ones.

I was finally able to resume my therapy this past week, the first one since my surgery, she called and got me another appointment with my med provider so that I can get back on my mental health meds. I had a meeting with my mental health caseworker yesterday, she will be back on Monday. We have a few things we are working on together, such as housing, my dentures getting fitted, and trying to get a different therapist and a different med provider. When I was in Colorado and I had been seen by the same mental health providers and doctors for 10 years, I come here and they change all my meds, don't even care to listen about what helps me, what meds I was on when I moved here, we found a mix of meds that worked for me, but then I move here and its like they start all over from the beginning prescribing different meds until they find what they think works. It does not matter what I say works. So I am hoping to find someone that listens to what I say has worked for me for atleast the past 5 years. I hate starting and stopping different meds all the time until the med provider is satisfied.

I am wanting a new therapist because my therapist just isn't for me. She doesn't try to engage me into conversation at all, or really talk to me about anything but how she is always tired because she has a little one at home and don't get much sleep. I will tell her how I have been feeling or what I struggled with from seeing her the week before, and when I tell her she doesn't evet want me to elaborate on anything, she just will ask what else she can help me with that day. Maybe I was just spoiled by my therapist in Colorado. She always dug deeper to help me figure out why certain emotions were happening and would give me little assignments to do during my week until my next appointment. So I just need a therapist that is more engaging with me. I always had hour long appointments in Colorado and we would have to stop when the hour was up, with this therapist she has me in a 30 minute slot and is usually sending me on my way in 15 min. I know the therapist and the med provider are supposed to work together so part of my medication problem could be simply because my therapist is not engaging with me enough to even give notes on my issues, we never talk about them.

So, I had not had one of my medications since leaving the hospital after surgery, I really wasn't too worried about it as I thought it was really just to help me sleep. When I came home from surgery I didn't have a problem sleeping I am assuming because my body was healing and just naturally I was able to rest pretty well considering. Then I was trying to figure out why I was getting in this rut and thought about that medication I hadn't been taking. I missed my appointment so I couldn't get a refill my therapist called last week and made a new appointment for me so they gave me a refill of enough to get me by until I see her next. Last night was my fourth night taking it and yesterday was a better day for me, but I think today is going even better so far. I didn't get up and go right back to bed like I have been. I feel pretty good so far even though I have only been up 2 hours I seem to be atleast starting out better than I had been. I am going to the store with my mom in an hour and after that I am hoping to come home and clean my rv up some. I have been very neglectful and have not done anything but dishes the past 2 weeks I have been home. Today is a month since my surgery. I look around and I am just in shame of how this place looks. So here's to a better day.

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